And then the darkness came...

WOW!  It's been 5 years since I last blogged.  So much has changed and where would I even begin to tell you all that has happened.  Guess I'll start with a list...

In the last 5 years,
* We moved back to Oklahoma.  Bartlesville it is for the win.  At first it was DEVASTATING!  I cried all the time and missed South Carolina all the time.  It was as if my SC dreams were crushed, but then...
* I found a WONDERFUL job.  My school is tough and exhausting and so so rewarding.  Everyday is challenging and I love it. I don't want to be anywhere else.  I have made fantastic friends and they really saved my life after we moved.  This is year #4 and I don't want to be anywhere else!  My students come from some horrific home lives, but I love every single one of them.  They make my life so full.  This year in particular has been the best year of my professional life (year 10 of teaching).
* Jackson turned 6 this last year.  How is that even possible!?!?!?!?  He is a really good kid, but every once in awhile he acts like an ahole.  I hope it isn't just my kid.  98.23253135% of the time he is smart, well-mannered, sweet, kind-hearted boy.  He's reading at a 2nd grade reading level in 1st grade and he is so unathletic it isn't even funny.  He has a fantastical imagination and he is such a great big brother, which brings me to.....
* Emersyn Ruth Gerber was born on August 25th this last year.  Today she turned 15 months old.  She is precious and I feel so lucky that I get to be her momma.  She sleeps well and eats well and is quite possibly the smiliest baby ever.  She is truly a beautiful light in this world.  She completes our family in every way imaginable.  Her smile just brings joy to my soul, which is so needed because...
* My dad has cancer.  Stage 4 esophageal, lung, and liver cancer.  We found it in late July.  It has been so earth shattering and heart breaking and horrifying and life changing.  My whole world has been flipped upside down.  I am trying to be strong for my mom b/c she needs me to be, but I am scared in small ways and some really big ways.  You never think about the day that your parents will no longer be with you and now I think about it all the time.  The first few weeks after my dad was diagnosed, I was so numb.  I couldn't feel anything...not happiness, not joy.  He was so sick and the dad I have always known and loved seemed so far away.  Chemo started and his body was so sick. Then we had a good month.  September seemed to bring my dad back to me.  He was smiling and moving and had so much energy.  It was short lived.  Now he is so tired all the time.  He doesn't have the energy to even speak to me let alone smile at us.  He is starting to not be able to eat again and we are worried the chemo hasn't worked and the cancer is growing.  Now I live in fear.  I'm scared of a world where my dad isn't in it.  I don't want my daughter to grow up without her papaw.  It makes me so sad to imagine not being able to call him and hear his laugh or hug him.  I'm trying to stay positive, but stay realistic about what might happen.  I can't sleep well  and my heart just hurts all the time.  But there have been glimmers of hope...glimmers of joy...  glimmers of my dad.  I have to hold on to that.  Hold on to him and cherish every single second I have left.  However much time I have, it is precious to me.  He is so precious to me.

Pray for him.  Pray my mom.  Pray for me and my family.