A BIG Thank You to a Very Important Person

Today I have to get a little sentimental b/c August 28th is a very important day in my life. I will never forget August 28th b/c 14 years ago, I almost took my own life. If you know me at all, I have made it no secret that I've struggled with severe depression for my entire adolescence and most of my adult life up til now. Depression is a horrible disease...one I have fought long and hard to keep under control. Some days are better than others, but for the most part, I like to refer to myself as "clean and sober" for the last 5 years :0) 14 years ago was a different story. I was in a very bad place in my life and had experienced probably the worst pain I had felt in my life with the loss of the person I considered to be my very best friend in the world. Losing her at that time felt like losing a sister and I will never forget how much it hurt to hear her say she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Looking back now, I think who could blame her? I wouldn't want to have been my friend either back then. As I said before, I was NOT a good person and I was in a very dark place at the time. I pushed her away...in fact, I tried to push everyone away, including someone who ended up saving my life on that August 28th. That day, after a particularly hard day at school and with that overwhelming pain from the loss of my friend and sinking deeper and deeper into my depression, I decided to end it and be done with it all. I came home from school, took a bottle of tylenol, and then waited....

As I was waiting, I decided to make one final phone call. I don't know why I decided to call anyone, but I'd like to think that God intervened and decided he wasn't quite ready for me yet, so he decided to make me call for help instead. Well, I called my friend Becky to say goodbye and b/c I called her, I'm still here today. She saved my life and I will never be able to fully repay her or properly thank her for that. B/c she got me help, I was able to seek the treatment I needed and while it has been a long road full of ups and downs, I finally feel like I have my life back...it's not being controlled by the depression anymore and for her I'm forever grateful. After my attempt, I was ashamed at what I had done and partially embarrassed. I couldn't let myself get close to her even if she wanted to be close to me and a lot of that has to do with that loss of friendship I experienced prior to my attempt. I spent the next 4 years of my life (high school) not knowing how to thank her or let her in, so our friendship faded. Though I lost the closeness I once had with her, I have NEVER forgotten her...her spirit, her kindness, her faith, not the unbelievable gift she gave me on August 28th.

I full heartedly give her most of the credit for my unbelievably wonderful life that I have today. If she hadn't saved my life, I wouldn't have met the two loves of my life: my amazing husband and my absolutely beautiful son. I wouldn't have a job that I love almost more than anything in the world nor a nice house, car, etc. I wouldn't have happiness in my life and a light in my eyes I never thought possible. Above anything else, I don't think I would be the person I am today. I'm still a work in progress and I know that I have a high probability for relapse, but I also know who I want to be and how far I don't want to fall ever again! But I also know (not trying to blow my own horn here, but...) that I'm a good person with a good heart underneath it all and I feel like I have a lot to offer this crazy world we live in!

I've never gotten to thank you Becky, but I really need to. I think of you often and eventhough, we'll probably never be as close as we were back in the day, I consider you one of the best people I will ever know. I'm so incredibly grateful that God brought you into my life, not only b/c you saved my life, but also b/c of what a truly amazing person you are. I have a truly blessed life and I'm so in debted to you for helping me get there. I don't think you will ever fully understand how much you mean to me or the impact you've had on me. I'm a firm believer that God places people in your life at times when you truly need them...some will be there forever...others will stay for awhile and then move on. Whether you consider me this way or not, I will always keep you in my heart...no matter how far away we are or how little we talk. Thank you for what you did back then and for inspiring me to this day to be better everyday. Thank you for being you! Today, August 28th, I celebrate my life and more than anything I celebrate you!

Our Big Growing Boy

It amazes me to think that a little over a year ago Jackson was just a mini-dot in my belly. Now that he's here and growing and developing his own little personality, I just can't imagine my life without him. He's grown so much in the last month it's amazing. His 0-3 month clothes are now a little too small, so he's upped a size. He's also had to start wearing #2 diapers, but they're a little big (He has a little itsy bitsy heiney!). Jackson is getting those chunky baby legs with cute rolls! It seems to me he's getting longer too! I don't think I'll be able to wait until his 4 month appointment to find out what his new measurements are. His hair is slowly, but surely starting to finally grow in and it's RED! I think he will definitely be a strawberry blonde headed boy. I'm also glad that he has more hair on the top of his head now, instead of just a friar's patch of hair in the back. He still has bright blue eyes and I hope they never change. As for everything else, he's just perfect!

As for his personality, he still hates to be on his stomache. He'll cry and throw a fit, but it's good for him (eventhough it breaks momma's heart). He rolls over more frequently now, but it's only when he chooses...he's a little picky about that! Jackson is constantly grabbing things...including things he shouldn't (i.e. Justin's chest hairs) and brings them with ease now to his mouth. Yep, he's definitely going through his oral stage, where he brings everything to his mouth! He chews on his hands the most and it's amazing to me that he can get his little mouth around his entire fist. It's adorable! He also likes to chew on his lion toy. He's getting so strong and holding his toys much better and for longer now. His new chewing obsession has lent to a very large amount of drool. We have to keep a bib on him at all times b/c he'll soak his clothes! We're not looking forward to teething, but I think we'll make it through when the time comes. Jackson still loves to stand up, dance, and he's added sitting in his Bumbo chair to his favorite places to sit. He's pretty much outgrown his papasan chair and sits in his Bumbo chair instead. He also tried out his jumparoo for the 1st time today and he loved it...except, he's not quite big enough for it yet! His feet don't quite touch the ground just yet, but he loved looking at all the toys and wiggling in it. I think the jumparoo is going to be a very good toy for him. He's also smiling a ton now! He even giggled at me once and it was adorable...I keep trying to get him to do it again, but he just won't do it!

As for sleeping, he's sleeping about 10 hours every night and he's starting to take longer naps in between feedings. Still not the greatest napper, but he'll get there eventually! I'm just glad he's sleeping at night. He's going to bed now anywhere between 8-9:30pm. He's eating about 6 ounces at every feeding and going about 3 1/2 to 4 hours depending on how good his nap is. I would've thought he'd be going between 4 to 5 hours now, but that has yet to happen. He's one hungry boy! Can't complain though...at least he's eating!

Other than that, I just hate to say that I have to leave him at daycare. It's getting easier, but I just feel like I'm missing things that I don't want to miss! There are also days that I feel like he likes Miss Liz in the daycare more than he likes me. It makes so sad to leave him, but I just have to keep telling myself that we don't have a choice! It breaks my heart...we'll get through it though and I have feeling this year is just going to fly by. Before we know it, Justin will be graduating, Jackson will be 1 years old, and we'll be leaving Oklahoma for a new adventure. Stay posted to see what happens in the next few months...it'll be interesting for sure!

Anyway, so here's some pictures of the little man:

My Baby Rolled Over

Oh what a week! This week was officially my 1st week back at work and it was so hard leaving Jackson...even if it was with my mom! Yep, my mom flew in to watch the baby this week while I went back to work :0( She of course did a fabulous job, but it was heartbreaking not to be able to be with him all day long. My heart physically hurt, but we made it through. This week will be the true test b/c my mom is gone and I'll be by myself. Done it before, but not with the tiredness my job puts on me. Well anyway, only one more week and then Justin is home for good...no more internship...thank goodness! So excited...can't wait for him to be home b/c this has been the hardest, most awful summer without him here. He missed so much including....

Jackson rolling over this past Monday! So here's how it went: Jackson hates tummy time, but I always try to put him on his belly at least 1-2 times a day for as long as he takes it before he starts screaming! Well, he was on his tummy and I was filming him b/c he was holding up his head really good and all the sudden I looked up and he's on his side. I was shocked that he did it by himself! I helped him the first 2 times to roll over by sticking my hand behind his feet, so he could push off and on the third time...he rolled over by himself. I about died! I can't believe how fast it's all going. For once, he wasn't screaming and he decided to roll over by himself! Crazy and I'm so proud of my little man! Such a big boy :0) I will post the video a little later b/c Jackson has decided nap time is over now. Post later...

"Perhaps They are Not Stars in the Heavens...

Yesterday the world lost a wonderful woman to cancer. Her name was Sue and she was one of the very best of people and I will be forever saddened by her passing. I've known her for as long as I can remember as Big Sue...the woman who looked like a tree to me when I was little. I loved that her laughter could fill a room and that she could make me laugh with almost anything she said! She was a wonderful human being and fought so hard to beat this cancer, but in the end it reached her bones and there was no more fight left in her. It seemed like just yesterday that mom told me she was sick and now she's gone. It breaks my heart b/c I would've loved my son to know her. I would like to believe that she's up there shooting the "stuff" with my favorite person...my great grandma Ruth that passed away more than 10 years ago. They would love each other! I love this quote: "Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." Love you and miss you always Big Sue!