April 20th was the worst day of my life.  It will always be now the day my dad took his final breath.  I knew it was coming.  I knew my heart would shatter into a million bazillion pieces that night, but no matter how much you prepare for that day in your mind, your heart will never feel the crushing blow of losing your daddy.  Everything hurts...but time doesn't stop.  Life doesn't cease.  Somehow you put one foot in front of the other and you keep moving and you get out of bed and you do everything you did before you lost your dad.  But the hurt doesn't go away and for some moments, it seems to only deepen.  some moments you hurt worse than others.

One of the things that has kept me going though is knowing how very loved my daddy was.  In the days after his passing, I learned how other people saw him.  I had always seen him as my hero and as such a great man that I had put him on a pedestal that no mere mortal could ever step foot on.  More than 200 people came to say goodbye to my dad at his celebration of life service.  Many came with stories of his awesomeness.  So many cried with me, but all of them gave me a glimpse of my dad that I had never seen before.  He was not only a great friend, but an amazing mentor as well.  I had no idea how many lives he had touched.  He was the ultimate anti-cheerleader cheerleader :0)

so here I am...Almost a month later and I'm writing in this blog.  I am hoping that by writing, my grief will lessen and I will learn how to cope with this devastating loss.  I'll probably share some memories.  Probably share my sadness...my grief goes to some of the darkest places I have ever been, but maybe it'll just help me heal and maybe it'll help someone else heal too.  I'm going to try to stay on the more positive end of this...whatever that may be.  I'll also probably share some of my faith and probably a little bit more of my family.  Some of the things that still make me smile!  Because even though this by far and away the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, there have been some good things too.  Some things that need mentioning and remembering.  I miss my dad everyday, but I know he is with me.  Always watching over me and my family.  Bringing sunshine when I need it...even on those darkest days!

 

    

And then the darkness came...

WOW!  It's been 5 years since I last blogged.  So much has changed and where would I even begin to tell you all that has happened.  Guess I'll start with a list...

In the last 5 years,
* We moved back to Oklahoma.  Bartlesville it is for the win.  At first it was DEVASTATING!  I cried all the time and missed South Carolina all the time.  It was as if my SC dreams were crushed, but then...
* I found a WONDERFUL job.  My school is tough and exhausting and so so rewarding.  Everyday is challenging and I love it. I don't want to be anywhere else.  I have made fantastic friends and they really saved my life after we moved.  This is year #4 and I don't want to be anywhere else!  My students come from some horrific home lives, but I love every single one of them.  They make my life so full.  This year in particular has been the best year of my professional life (year 10 of teaching).
* Jackson turned 6 this last year.  How is that even possible!?!?!?!?  He is a really good kid, but every once in awhile he acts like an ahole.  I hope it isn't just my kid.  98.23253135% of the time he is smart, well-mannered, sweet, kind-hearted boy.  He's reading at a 2nd grade reading level in 1st grade and he is so unathletic it isn't even funny.  He has a fantastical imagination and he is such a great big brother, which brings me to.....
* Emersyn Ruth Gerber was born on August 25th this last year.  Today she turned 15 months old.  She is precious and I feel so lucky that I get to be her momma.  She sleeps well and eats well and is quite possibly the smiliest baby ever.  She is truly a beautiful light in this world.  She completes our family in every way imaginable.  Her smile just brings joy to my soul, which is so needed because...
* My dad has cancer.  Stage 4 esophageal, lung, and liver cancer.  We found it in late July.  It has been so earth shattering and heart breaking and horrifying and life changing.  My whole world has been flipped upside down.  I am trying to be strong for my mom b/c she needs me to be, but I am scared in small ways and some really big ways.  You never think about the day that your parents will no longer be with you and now I think about it all the time.  The first few weeks after my dad was diagnosed, I was so numb.  I couldn't feel anything...not happiness, not joy.  He was so sick and the dad I have always known and loved seemed so far away.  Chemo started and his body was so sick. Then we had a good month.  September seemed to bring my dad back to me.  He was smiling and moving and had so much energy.  It was short lived.  Now he is so tired all the time.  He doesn't have the energy to even speak to me let alone smile at us.  He is starting to not be able to eat again and we are worried the chemo hasn't worked and the cancer is growing.  Now I live in fear.  I'm scared of a world where my dad isn't in it.  I don't want my daughter to grow up without her papaw.  It makes me so sad to imagine not being able to call him and hear his laugh or hug him.  I'm trying to stay positive, but stay realistic about what might happen.  I can't sleep well  and my heart just hurts all the time.  But there have been glimmers of hope...glimmers of joy...  glimmers of my dad.  I have to hold on to that.  Hold on to him and cherish every single second I have left.  However much time I have, it is precious to me.  He is so precious to me.

Pray for him.  Pray my mom.  Pray for me and my family. 

South Carolina Sunny Days

It's been a while since my lost blog...too long perhaps. It feels like since the moment we set foot in South Carolina it has been all go...go...go! Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to finish this blog before the little guy gets up from his nap :0)

About a month ago we were finally able to move into our new house. Kinda wish we hadn't though b/c they weren't all the way finished, at least up to our high standards anyway. It's been a lot of waiting to get things fixed/finished ever since and it's been very frustrating. I look around and I see mistake after mistake after mistake. I guess we were spoiled with the last house b/c that was quality work. It's a nice house though and most importantly, Jackson LOVES it! I think he likes it so much b/c there is so much more room for him to run around now and he even has own play space. He discovers something new with the house everyday...some thing good, others not so good! For example, he now loves "talking" on the phone. He constantly goes for the wireless phones for our house line and I spend a lot of my time chasing him to make sure he hasn't called anywhere expensive. It is just precious though to see him hold the phone up to his ear and talk. Most of the time he calls his daddy at work :0) Don't get me wrong either...the new house has things I like, but I think I will feel better about it when things don't look like there are patches of white splattered on the wall and sheets hanging in front of the windows instead of blinds. CAN'T WAIT TO GET BLINDS!

South Carolina has been one hot tamale! I forgot what humid heat was like and it's not always pretty! There are days when I literally feel like my skin is melting off my body. We'll get used to it and it doesn't seem to bother Jackson too much other than he likes to drink like a camel now. He still isn't a huge fan of water, but he takes down the watery juice I give him like it's going out of style. It's beautiful here! It's so nice to see GREEN things all around me! Jackson loves the parks here too, but we do have to watch out for red ants and also mosquitoes. Never knew how much a red ant bite could hurt, but oh buddy it does!

Let's talk changes with Jackson. As you already know, he's walking now, but he's getting faster and can do what looks like a speed walk. It's really pretty funny! Sometimes when he's walking he'll put both of his arms down and let them hang and sway back and forth like a little gorilla. He's also finally got a 3rd tooth and 3 more on the way. His top left tooth finally came in and now he's getting his top right tooth and the two teeth right next to his bottom 2. Let's just call him the drooler monkey. He soaks all of his shirts clear through poor little dude! He also can finally do an mmmmmmm sound and he does say mamama, but never to me. He usually says it when he's eating...tehetehe! He continues to love books and reading. I wish the library here was way more awesome, but again, we'll survive! As for his eating habits, I think he's become a little pickier with food. Some days he'll eat something, other times he won't! It's frustrating, especially b/c he's started to turn his nose up at meat now! Little booger! I hope this is a short phase for the meat, but we'll see! I almost forgot to tell you that's he's down to one nap a day in the afternoon. Somedays he'll only sleep for an hour...others he'll sleep for 2 1/2. Just depends. If there is one thing I know about my son is that he's a character, who is never predictable.

He's also started going to a new daycare lady, we'll call her Miss A. She has 4 other kids there besides Jackson and I personally think he loves getting to play with other children around his age. There is one who is 6 months and 2 that are going to be 2 in October/November, and 1 who is already 2. They are the sweetest little kids and he just looks at them like they are angels! I personally am really proud of him. We took the transitioning slow and he's been doing so great there. He's only cried once out of the 3 days I've had to leave him...33% ain't bad I guess. He seems really happy there and that makes me happy too, eventhough everytime I leave him I feel like my heart has just been ripped from chest :0( Some days I think I could stay home with him and be happy, other days I know it's better for the both of us to have lives outside of being with each other. I just have to keep telling myself that it's probably harder on me than him and that's it good for him to have other children to play with and love. It'll get easier!

Anyway, I think I've updated you on everything going on here. I'll have to write again soon b/c we're expecting our first visitors next week. Hopefully I'll take lots of pictures while they are here and I'll be able to post some of them. We're also going to Myrtle Beach for our last trip of the summer and also for my birthday. Just another year closer to 30...woohoo. Can you feel the excitement in my voice!?!?! Anyway, check back soon for another update!

1st birthday photo shoot

Hey everyone!

Here are some of my favorites of Jackson's 1st birthday pics from Sears. He's so incredibly cute!

Happy 1st Birthday little man

So moving day has come and gone. We've been official South Carolinans for 2 weeks now and with each passing day, I can't believe all the craziness we've had going on! Let's start with a few days before moving:

On Mother's Day, we celebrated Justin's graduation and Jackson's 1st birthday at our house with family and friends. It was a great day...uncharacteristically cold for Oklahoma in May, but a great day. We had a little cookout, visited, and then watched Jackson eat his cake. At first, he wasn't really into it at all! He poked at it a little bit before he finally dove in. He wasn't really about the messyness, but I think he liked the cake over all. It was a cute cow cake that our friend, Ben, made.

A few days later, he really did turn 1. I took the day off work and took him to his year checkup. He was 29 1/2 inches long (25th percentile) and a little over 22 pounds (about 50th percentile). He's a healthy, happy boy that's for sure. We made it! I'm just so proud of my little man. In the last few weeks since he turned 1, he is doing the following new things:
1 - Full time milk drinker - He's drinking soy milk and he LOVES it. The first few days of soy milk he drank a whole lot! He's slowed down quite a bit since then, but the first few days were miserable b/c he was hungry all the time.
2 - Full time table food eater - There is NOTHING this boy won't eat. He loves everything and there's nothing he won't turn away. He loves strawberries and all sorts of other fruits. He even eats peas now and he didn't really like them at all before, but now he eats them all the time. He just loves food.
3 - Full time sippy cup drinker - At first, he refused to take a sippy cup with his milk. I was sure that he would never take it, but I think it was just too much change too quickly when we first tried it. He was horribly unhappy and wouldn't take it and threw a fit to end all fits when I tried to give it to him. It was so sad! But I took it slowly and waited a few days after we had settled into the apartment.
4 - Full time walker - He's been taking a few steps at a time for awhile, but never on his own until last week. Justin and I were passing Jackson forth and then all the sudden, Jackson just started walking and he's been unstoppable ever since. He just waddles everywhere and it's the cutest things b/c he does it with his arms out like he wants a hug where ever he lands. It's awesome, BUT he's just busier than ever now. It's hard to slow him down and he always wants to move now. It's much harder now to get anything done now! He still only has 2 teeth, but he can walk...go figure!

So Jackson is a busy little man and he's been keeping me on my toes since I'm the one staying home with him this summer. I'm trying to find ways to get out of the house...taking walks, excuses to go to the store, etc. etc. He's been great though and it's been a joy to have him home with me. He still isn't napping the greatest for a 1 year old, but we'll work on that! I'm hoping he'll pop his top 2 teeth soon, but I kinda gave up trying to look for them!

Since we got to South Carolina, we've been busy busy busy! We got there and spent our 1st 3 days running errands and getting our licenses. Then we jetted up to Knoxville on the way to the Cincinnati for the weekend of Diana's wedding. It was great to see Uncle Timmy and Austin. Then, the next day we drove the rest of the way to Cincinnati, where we discovered Jackson's love for dogs. Everytime he saw my friend Erica's two dogs, he just squealed with delight. It was precious. I was so proud of Jackson b/c he traveled well and even was good for Auntie Erica and Uncle Kenny while his momma and daddy went to the wedding. Justin and I had fun and Diana just looked beautiful. It was a very Diana-esque affair and I was so happy we could go. Then before we knew it, it was time to head home so that Justin could start his job. When we got home, Justin went to work and I started my stay-at-home mommyness. By the end of the week, we packed it up AGAIN and headed for Myrtle Beach for the weekend to visit Justin's parents.

We had a great time! We took him to the beach and he LOVED it. As soon as I put him down, he started walking towards the water. It was beautiful. He loved playing in the sand and even ate a little bit himself. He found a shell and the first thing he did was taste it! YUCK! He had fun though, digging and squishing the wet sand in between his toes.


We're home now and for awhile....at least until mid-June when we head up to Chicago for my cousin, Stephanie's wedding. We've got to stay put for awhile. Right now, we're waiting to hear back about my job interviews. I've had 2 now...one with an elementary school and the other one with a middle school. I'm really hoping to get one of them and I'm hoping to hear back soon. I'm really excited about both of them...maybe a little more on the elementary side of things just b/c it's what I'm used to, but I'm up for the challenge of the other end too! Well, I think I've updated ya'll long enough. Stay tuned for more South Carolina adventures!

12 days....

12 days in Oklahoma
11 days until the moving trucks come
10 work days left
10 days until Jackson turns 1
6 days until Justin's Graduation
7 days until our going away party/Jackson's 1st birthday party/Justin's graduation party

To quote Ferris Bueller: Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. That's exactly how I feel about the last month. I've literally been making myself physically sick with worry about everything I have to get done for work before it's time for our Oklahoma adventure to end. It's a horrible feeling, but I feel like I can't enjoy the last few days I have here b/c I have so much to be done. Time just hit me like a ton of bricks and now I'm scrambling to finish it all on top of enjoying my son and all the neat things he's doing now.

Jackson turns 1 very shortly and I just can't believe how incredibly lucky I am to have a son like him. He's absolutely wonderful in every way. He makes me laugh all the time, even when I'm trying to discipline him b/c one look at his big blue eyes and I'm total mush. His new tricks include pointing at things, standing by himself, saying hi more, and also pushing buttons all the time. When he points at things, it just really cracks me up b/c he points with his pointer finger and also his thumb too! Just adorable. He can point out any cow that he sees in books and on the tv. He just loves cows. Speaking of tv, he is finally trying to watch some. He watches Mickey Mouse Playhouse every morning before I go to work, but only for about 10 minutes. He still doesn't like it very much, but he gets drawn into Handy Manny and Mickey Mouse Playhouse from time to time. He can also now stand by himself...even though he doesn't like that much either. He doesn't like to do it unless he's holding a toy of some kind. He just started that on Friday, but he doesn't do it consistently. We'll see how long it takes him before he wants to do it all the time. As for saying hi, that's still a little inconsistent too, but it's so cute when he does it b/c he waves with his whole arm. He only says hi to people he really knows and really likes. He's not big on saying goodbye yet by waving. Silly little guy! Last but not least, he's discovered how to turn on and off the table. What a booger! He does it all the time! We're trying to teach him no, but he doesn't like no yet. We'll see how well discipline goes. I have a feeling that he's going to be one of those kids that does things his way and he won't like to do it our way....a lot like his daddy. He does it at swim lessons b/c he doesn't like to duplicate what the instructor does and he has never replicated anything I do like sticking my tongue out at him when he was a baby. That worries me b/c I won't him to be able to follow directions and follow the rules! I don't want him to be a defiant kid :0( We'll see!

I'm so excited and nervous about the move...mostly for Jackson's sake. I'm excited to start a new adventure, but sad b/c I'll be starting over again and not knowing anyone. Will I make friends? Will I get a job? I really hope so! More importantly, will we find friends for Jackson? I'm hoping that the move goes smoothly and that we don't have very many hitches in the process. I'm also hoping that our house is done sooner than later b/c I want to be in my home and be able to get into a routine for Jackson as soon as possible. For now, I just need to focus on getting my work done and before our parents get here so I can stop to enjoy the last few days in Oklahoma. Looking forward to next weekend, I'll have my family here and Justin will be graduating. Congrats to my hubby by the way...he's just amazing! He's worked so hard for the last 4 years and he's graduating! Just wonderful :0) May is such a wonderful month for us...our 2 year anniversary on the 17th, moving on the 14th, Justin's graduation on the 8th, and Jackson's birthday on the 11th. Amazing.

Tales of a Swimmer in the Making

Hi everyone!

I thought I'd blog about Jackson's latest adventure into swimming. I'll start with his swim lesson 1 week ago and also his 1st swim lesson. Let's just say after this 1st lesson, I wasn't so sure that I'd have a swimmer on my hands. As soon as we hit the water, I immediately felt his grip around my neck tighten, so much so I wasn't sure if he was ever going to let go. Jackson totally redefined the words death grip at his 1st swim lesson. I'm not sure how his grip couldn't gotten any tighter on my neck, but it did from time to time as he panicked about little things. He also whimpered and cried just about the whole time. No matter what I did to calm him, he wasn't about to have it. Poor kid! I thought for sure he'd love swimming, but after the first lesson, I just thought that swimming was going to be like pulling his hair out for him! Of course, the class just had to have a chain reaction to my son's sheer terror. So as the boy next to him heard Jackson's whimpers, he started in and then the next kid and so on and so forth until the whole class was crying by the end of the lesson. It also didn't help that one of the stupid lifeguards decided to use the very loud and very noisy diving board to show off. Scared the crap out of the kids and my normally quiet self almost reamed him a new one, but he stopped before my patience level was all but gone. I felt horrible for the teacher b/c she just couldn't make any of them happy! She didn't seem to mind though and she kept her cool. She seemed used to it probably :0)

So as our 2nd lesson approached, I decided to give swimming another go. I was hoping that he liked it a little more the 2nd time around and that he would loosen up a little bit. LUCKILY, he did! It took him about 10 minutes, but he finally loosened up and even smiled and giggled a little bit. It was awesome! I could dunk him without him being so fearful and I also was able to get him to kick a little bit and float a little bit by himself (I had my hands under him and he let his arms let go of my neck). It was precious and I was so relieved! Phew...I hope he continues to like it b/c I really don't want him to be scared of the water. We are going to be living for a few weeks right across from a pool at our apartment complex before our house is finished, so I want to be able to take him every day. Can't wait!

So, we're in the home stretch folks. This is the last few weeks of our Oklahoman adventure. We're both excited and scared, but I think more excited than scared. We literally have just a few days less than a month. Our house is coming right along and I think it'll be ready sooner than we expected so we can move in and close sooner. We close on this house on April 30th, so just a few more weeks of home ownership of our 1st house. Kinda strange to think about, but such is life! Right now, I'm just trying to spend time with my growing boy, finish up stuff for my current job, and try not to worry to much about not getting an interview yet in South Carolina. I'm hoping to hear within the next few weeks though about interviewing down there. As for my current job, I've finished my sub plans and now I'm working on getting the rest of the little things done, so I don't leave the library in utter disarray for the next person. As for my little man, he's doing great! I think he's getting bigger and taller and I think he'll be walking soon. He can take a few steps before he goes kersplat, but not a whole lot on his own...thank goodness. It's hard enough keeping up with him while he's crawling all over the place. Right now, I think he's working on getting his 2 top teeth in b/c he's back to biting everything including me! He bit me so hard this morning that he left teeth marks! OUCH! Other than that, he's just reading up a storm and playing with all his toys and talking and dancing and singing. He still doesn't say mama yet, but hopefully soon :0) He sure is a happy little man. His 1st birthday will be next month and we're having a big party. If you didn't get an invite, let me know! It's going to be a ton of fun and I can't wait to celebrate so many exciting things happening. Stay tuned for what will come next...